Ugly can be defined as: ‘Unpleasant or repulsive, especially in appearance’. The late eighties and early 90’s saw some of the ugliest hockey players of all time (Mike Ricci) play, and often times succeed in the NHL. Ugly men were winning Stanley Cups, captaining teams and running rampant throughout professional hockey.
With the emergence of the internet as a prominent source of information and multimedia for the NHL players began to get self conscious and started to take care of themselves a little better. In the 2000’s we began to see ugly players as a dying breed and the pretty boy ‘metrosexual’ hockey player was born.
Joffrey Lupul
Not to be ones to discriminate against the ugly, the Leafs Diary felt it would be prudent to give these repulsive creatures their due and get them their time in the limelight. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the first iteration of the Leafs Diary’s NHL All Ugly Team.
The Candidates
Coach:
Ken Hitchcock – The number of chins he has seems to grow exponentially with each passing season
Bruce Boudreau – He’s got that Mr. Potato Head/M&M Peanut look going for himself.
Center:
Evgeni Malkin – Just another in a long line of European players that breathes through their mouth.
Jason Spezza – I don’t know if it’s the laugh or the fact that he looks like he is going to rape everyone he looks at, but he’s ugly.
Olli Jokinen – A mix of Powder and the kid from Jerry Maguire makes you hideous Mr. Jokinen.
Shawn Horcoff – Shrek. Enough said.
Left Wing:
Alexander Ovechkin – With all the money this man makes you’d think he could afford a personal barber and some dental surgery. Did I mention he looks like the giant from Happy Gilmore?
Scott Hartnell – You look like the Geico caveman
Scott Gomez – Looks like a post-prison Mike Danton. Everyone hates Mike Danton.
Nikolai Kulemin – See: Evgeni Malkin
RJ Umberger – Try and convince yourself that this guy doesn’t look amish…go ahead…try. If the Blue Jackets ever made the playoffs he’d have the beard to back me up on this one.
Right Wing:
Arron Asham – Scott Gomez may look like Mike Danton post-jail, but Aaron Asham looks like Mike Danton’s exact mug shot!
Andrei Kostitsyn – This fine looking specimen resembles the butler (Lurch) from the Addams Family.
Daniel Alfredsson – He went from looking like Krusty the Klown to Powder. We’ll forget he plays for the Senators and call him ugly on his own merit.
Jason Blake – He is most definitely an insomniac with those massive bags under his eyes.
Raffi Torres – Fester Addams. Enough said.
Defence:
Chris Pronger – Most people hate Chris Pronger because he’s dirty, the Leafs Diary hates Chris Pronger because he has the hair cut of a child and the gap toothed grin to match.
Zdeno Chara – He looks like the love child of Gary Bettman and Count von Count from Sesame Street.
Jared Cowen – Words can not do this young man justice.
Tomas Kaberle – See Zdeno Chara…with rosier cheeks.
Jay Bouwmeester – He reminds me of the skinny kid from road trip.
Goalie:
Anderson/Auld – This all ugly duo in Ottawa should win the twins award, but for our purposes I’ll just call them twin-uglies. I have never seen two teammates have the ability to morph into Powder like these gentlemen.
Chris Mason – Has all of the attractive features of your local trailer park biker.
Nikolai Khabibulin – He reminds me of the least successful and drunkest Baldwin brother of all time.
Kudos to the keepers…they win the award for Pretty Boy Position of the Year due to having the least amount of repulsive human beings playing that position. I still managed to find a few though!
And the Head Coach and starting line-up for the Leafs Diary first ever All-Ugly-Team are:
Head Coach: Ken Hitchcock
Center: Evgeni Malkin
Left Wing: Alex Ovechkin
Right Wing: Raffi Torres
Defence: Zdeno Chara and Jared Cowen
Goalie: Nikolai Khabibulin
Looking at this list we have a Stanley Cup winning goalie, Norris trophy winning defenceman, Hart trophy winning left winger, Conn Smythe, Art Ross and Calder trophy winning centerman along with a Jack Adams winning coach. Maybe there is something to this ugly thing after all?
As you can see this team of uglies is the worst of the worst. From gapped teeth to mouth breathing they run the gamut of ugly features a human being can possess. That being said, their success on the ice clearly dictates that ugly is back in the NHL and it’s here to stay.
Maple Leafs Diary 